Mom died on Monday.
I really thought I would feel relief, but no. What I feel is devastation. And guilt. But I'll deal with that at a later date.
I dreamed last night of having to travel a long distance by foot. I was unable to move forward without considerable effort, so I walked backwards. I had many items to carry so for every distance I covered I had to do twice to carry the entire load. I finally got to a place in which I stopped. I needed help and I wanted to call Mom. Every time I tried I would either find that I couldn't locate her number in my phone or my phone would go blank so I couldn't look for the number.
As dreams usually do, it morphed into my being helped by a friend a haven't seen in a long time. I was now wearing the skates I wear in many of my dreams but this time, I couldn't slow them down. I would get going and no matter how hard I braked, I could not stop or even slow.
It wasn't until later in the morning that the dream and it's meaning really came back to me. Even though Mom hasn't been mentally, physically or financial able to help me for many many years, in my dream I wanted her to rescue me. I was trying to call her and couldn't. In reality, she is no longer there to help, even for me to go and sit with and wish for her to understand my presence. I want my rescuer back.
About those skates. A recurring theme in different settings, I finally came to realize that I have this dream when I feel life is out of control. I am speeding downhill on those skates and edging hard sideways left and then right over and over again to slow and gain control. This time, I couldn't gain control. I was bound to crash.
Mom, I miss you so much. I know you are so much happier and finally free of the body that trapped you in purgatory. I love you, but I can't stop needing you.