Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Mom died on Monday.

I really thought I would feel relief, but no. What I feel is devastation. And guilt. But I'll deal with that at a later date.

I dreamed last night of having to travel a long distance by foot. I was unable to move forward without considerable effort, so I walked backwards. I had many items to carry so for every distance I covered I had to do twice to carry the entire load. I finally got to a place in which I stopped. I needed help and I wanted to call Mom. Every time I tried I would either find that I couldn't locate her number in my phone or my phone would go blank so I couldn't look for the number.

As dreams usually do, it morphed into my being helped by a friend a haven't seen in a long time. I was now wearing the skates I wear in many of my dreams but this time, I couldn't slow them down. I would get going and no matter how hard I braked, I could not stop or even slow.

It wasn't until later in the morning that the dream and it's meaning really came back to me. Even though Mom hasn't been mentally, physically or financial able to help me for many many years, in my dream I wanted her to rescue me. I was trying to call her and couldn't. In reality, she is no longer there to help, even for me to go and sit with and wish for her to understand my presence. I want my rescuer back.

About those skates. A recurring theme in different settings, I finally came to realize that I have this dream when I feel life is out of control. I am speeding downhill on those skates and edging hard sideways left and then right over and over again to slow and gain control. This time, I couldn't gain control. I was bound to crash.

Mom, I miss you so much. I know you are so much happier and finally free of the body that trapped you in purgatory. I love you, but I can't stop needing you.


  1. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Betsy! This is a difficult time, but you will get through it! Remember God is with you! I'm here to help you in any way. You are surrounded by so many people who love a care about you! {{{HUGS}}}

  2. I'm so sad for your loss. I understand that she suffered, as did you and your family. But your post made me cry, for ALL that you have been without for a lot of years. Just try, try to remember the good times with her, and know that eventually you'll be able to take off your skates.

  3. Soooo good you have this outlet of writing. It will help with all the emotions, right? Call if I can do anything.

  4. I have found that no matter how prepared you try to be, or think you are, for an event such as this, there's really no way to know just how you will react or feel when then time actually comes. When someone leaves us mentally, but not physically, a lot of the grieving gets deferred, only to catch up with us once their loss becomes a reality. Sending you my thoughts and love, Betsy, you've been dealing with a lot of loss in recent months. Wishing you better times and happier memories ahead. {{{Hugs}}}