Living with Dying: Insert Primal Scream Here

Originally posted on MySpace, Mar 25, 2009

Current mood:depressed

Today was the kind of day I used to blog about. Nothing spectacular or big to discuss, just the little everyday things that I observe and come to appreciate. It would have started out like this (yes, I did start it in my head this morning):

Rain. It takes away the 3rd dimension and leaves me with a one dimensional view out my window. The trees across the way are no longer a forest of twigs growing denser and denser in the distance. They have become a one dimensional flat maze of twigs propped at the far edge of the yards. Multiple shades of brown lines and not much else, but for the squirrel. The squirrel appears to be too big for the distance away he is. (I notice this with cats and birds in other yards at other times, too. I wonder is this is my age or if there is something inexplicable happening here in Kentucky.) I watch the squirrel running and leaping from branch to branch on the one sided maze of trees. He goes left and right and up and down, but never far or near. The rain has robbed him of far and near as far as I can tell.

And that blog would have probably continued on later in the day with comments about all the trees that are starting to bloom pink & white & yellow blossoms... everywhere but in my yard. But when I got home from my errands and hair cut and didn't feel so well, all over achey. I laid down until Mark was home and dinner was made. I've been up for a while now. Feeling so wretchedly blah. I feel like I am so incredibly bored that it's completely overwhelming. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to sit down anywhere because nothing looks comfortable. I don't want to read, watch movies, scrap... NOTHING. I am aware of things I should be doing, things that need some pretty urgent attention... but I don't care one shit. This is what depressed feels like. I've been here before and I'll be here again... I just don't want to be here now!!! I wish I knew which turn I took in the day that deposited me here.

Then Harriett wants to go to the bathroom. Okay. Off we go. She usually doesn't ask to go other than just before bed or upon getting up. But it's about 15 minutes away from when she'd be asking to go to bed anyway. I get her up and the chair is soaked - the blue pad, that is. Learned that lesson. She is wet on front as well as back, that's unusual. And she stinks. As we walk to the bathroom she says something about not having to have to 'go' today. Hmpf, I think. You've been going all day. In the bathroom it's worse. There is no way to get a shitty depends off someone without getting on everything. I want to puke, but I can't. As always I think about how awful it would be to be her. No control over simple body functions and my friends and family cleaning me up like I am an infant. No matter how I feel about any of it, I am always thankful that it's not me. It's not a conscious mantra I've developed... I just can't imagine being dependent on others like that and I know she hates it. All I can do is try to make it seem as normal and inconsequential as possible.

But I hate it. When is this ever going to end??????

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  Connie

  Those feelings of depression you describe are SO familiar...thank heaven for Wellbutrin! Sometimes it feels like having a "flu of the soul". I think it's often best to treat those the same way you would a physical flu.... put yourself to bed, rest up, and don't ask any more of yourself than you absolutely have to. I know it can be hard to take care of yourself the way you should while you're responsible for taking care of others. But ultimately I think it helps both you and them if you give yourself a break now and then. Even if that means enlisting outside help. Thinking of you. {{{{Hugs}}}}

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  2 years ago