Living with Dying, approaching the end.

Originally published on MySpace blog, May 25, 2009

Current mood:anxious

There is so much I haven't blogged recently, although I have thought about it quite often. I'll think I need to express this or that, get it out of my head and onto a page, but when I have the opportunity I just can't do it. I am still feeling that way, but I know I have missed a lot that I wanted to record, so I am soldiering on with it today.

When Harriett came off the chemo things began to change. As the poisons left her body she began to feel more like her old self. There were still many days of pain or nausea, or vomitting, but the days inbetween I saw some of the old Harriett. She was reading again, or scrapbooking, paging through my catalogs to place orders. Life was happening as if it would go on 'normally' indefinitely.

I think we all tend to set goals that we work towards, or in Harriett's case, live towards, and she just passed two of them. The first was to reach the one year anniversary of her cancer diagnosis. That day was April 28th. The next event was for Krissy to arrive home in Kentucky. We had only one visit with Krissy since last August and she and Harriett have a special bond. Krissy arrived home in Kentucky on May 7th or there about.

Things have been deteriorating, walking with the walker to and from the bedroom has become painfully slow. Getting on and off the toilet became a real challenge. The toilet seat is extremely hard on the butt when there is absolutely no fat between the bones and the skin. Although Harriett's appetite had picked up she was still losing weight and was last weighed at 97 lbs fully dressed, including shoes. She looks like she just barely survived Auschwitz. She has stopped eating and stopped drinking.

Last week the nausea hit full force with some major vomitting and pain. About the same time Harriett could no longer support herself to stand up and be dressed or undressed. Alyssa helped me and we managed the best we could to get her in and out of bed and to and from the living room. By the time the hospice nurse came to visit on Friday we all agreed that it was time for a hospital bed and Harriett has assumed her final residence in the bed here in our living room. She has a catheter so no longer needs to get up and down for bathroom visits.

The nurse said she thought she's not likely to last more than a week.

This is the hardest week I can remember in my life. Wanting peace for Harriett but still wishing she'd never have gotten sick. Harriett is family to us and it's so hard to let go.

I'll write more later...